I blinked and...

.......my baby is a kindergartner.  I'm not sure how this happened.  Just yesterday she was a little, wobbly, smiling, 11-month old whom I couldn't kiss enough.   Today is a big (well not so big), strong, smiling 5 year old (excuse me, 5 and HALF year old) whom I can't kiss enough.  

When we got home from China I had a job, although most of it was working from home so I was with her all the time.  Then six weeks later the company went out of business and I was REALLY with her all the time.  We navigated the days together, me learning to be a mom and her learning to let me be her mom.   Then she started preschool and yes that was hard but it was only 3 hours, 3 days a week.  Aidan had only been home a few months so it was a good time for him to get me all to himself. 

But now she's gone all day, five days a week.  I cried when I packed her lunch for her first day of kindergarten, realizing that for the past almost-five years we had eaten lunch together everyday.  I cried thinking about someone other than me being the adult face that she saw all day long.  I cried....well I cried a lot.  I was feeling a little silly after a point, I mean we have lots of friends whose kids are in daycare and they all do just fine.  But then those moms started calling telling me how much they have been crying too.  Even though their days wouldn't be much different, they were overwhelmed with tears. 

What is it about kindergarten that strikes mothers' hearts so powerfully?  I guess it's the symbolics of it all.  Emmy is no longer a baby/toddler/preschooler.  She is a big kid now.  She is has begun a phase of her life, schooling, that will last for many many years.  She will become more independent each day that she goes.  And even though she's always been ready to branch out on her own, I was nearby when she needed me.  Now I have to wait till she gets home to find out if all of her attempts to be a big kid went well, or if there were times when it didn't.  I'm still here when she needs me, it's just after the fact. 

But just so no one thinks that all I've done is wallow in my boo-hooing, at the end of the day I know that I am lucky beyond words that I get to have a kindergartner, that I get to watch her grow and mature even though it takes her further away from me.  What a blessing.

Emmy did GREAT, by the way!  She loves her school and other than the gift-of-gab, she's doing beautifully. 

And yes, I have finally stopped crying when I drop her off each day.  It took a while because it changed each day.  The first day I walked her to her class.  The second day I dropped her off at the door where a teacher greeted her and walked to her room.  Then about a week later, Emmy made the announcement - 'tomorrow morning I'm going to try walking to my class by myself'.   When we got to school I was very brave as I helped her put on her backpack!  Oh yeah, she was brave too.  She even had a moment where she said she was scared.  I told her I knew she could do it, but that she could change her mind.  She said she knew she could do it too.  So off she went through the door, into the big building, all by herself.  I watched her walk down the long hallway, that little body wearing that big backpack, surrounded by kids much bigger than she is and  yes I started to cry.  Aidan said, "Mommy why you sad?".  I said "I'm just missing Emmy a little bit", to which he replied, "Oh man, not again."

Okay, I'm done crying.  When a three year basically says - hey lady, get it together already, it's time to toughen up.