Some thoughts
Dave had to be away for work one night last week. It was the first night in the almost nine months we’ve had Emmy that he did not put her down for bed. She was very upset and cried, and cried. I did everything the way he does, same routine, same book, same songs. But she was distraught.
It got me thinking about her adjustment. “Adjustment” is a big word in adoption. There’s “bonding” which everyone talks about and offers suggestions for promoting. I feel certain that Emmy has bonded to Dave and I, we are her parents and she feels this. But adjustment is another concept entirely.
Emmy is such a happy child. She giggles and bounces like any happy toddler. If this was the way to measure adjustment, then yes she’s adjusted. But she was happy the day we met her. Approximately six hours after she was put in my arms, she smiled the same beautiful smile she does today. Yes, the happiness is more pronounced. She didn’t laugh for the first month or so. Now she giggles hysterically and even creates her own “jokes” for us to laugh at too. Adjustment, however, isn’t about happiness, it’s about trust.
First Emmy needed to trust that Dave and I would meet her needs - that we would feed her, clothe her and keep her safe. Then she needed to trust that we would comfort her -pick her up when she fell, come to her crib at night when she cried out. Then she needed to trust that we were hers - that our house, the dogs, our family and friends are all one big unit that she belongs to.
Now I think that she needs to trust that her life isn’t going to change again in the blink of an eye. I think about how many mother’s she had in 19 months: Her birthmother for 7 days, then the nannies at the orphanage (there is no way to know if there was one consistent individual who cared for her, or if the staff rotated and moved on), then one she day rode a bus for 8 hours and was handed to me. If that wasn’t enough change, she was with Dave and I in China for 10 days then we came home to Kentucky.
I don’t think of any of this as tragic. Emmy is strong and the chaos of her first year has turned into consistency and permanence with Dave and I. I just want to remember that even though she couldn’t be a more typical toddler on the outside, on the inside she someone who has had to learn to adjust and accept at a very young age. I know that these experiences, which she obviously won’t remember, will be ultimately be an integral part of who she becomes. I think they will make her strong and I intend to remind her of that anytime she needs to hear it. As for Dave, I know that he intends to not spend too many nights away from his girl.
It got me thinking about her adjustment. “Adjustment” is a big word in adoption. There’s “bonding” which everyone talks about and offers suggestions for promoting. I feel certain that Emmy has bonded to Dave and I, we are her parents and she feels this. But adjustment is another concept entirely.
Emmy is such a happy child. She giggles and bounces like any happy toddler. If this was the way to measure adjustment, then yes she’s adjusted. But she was happy the day we met her. Approximately six hours after she was put in my arms, she smiled the same beautiful smile she does today. Yes, the happiness is more pronounced. She didn’t laugh for the first month or so. Now she giggles hysterically and even creates her own “jokes” for us to laugh at too. Adjustment, however, isn’t about happiness, it’s about trust.
First Emmy needed to trust that Dave and I would meet her needs - that we would feed her, clothe her and keep her safe. Then she needed to trust that we would comfort her -pick her up when she fell, come to her crib at night when she cried out. Then she needed to trust that we were hers - that our house, the dogs, our family and friends are all one big unit that she belongs to.
Now I think that she needs to trust that her life isn’t going to change again in the blink of an eye. I think about how many mother’s she had in 19 months: Her birthmother for 7 days, then the nannies at the orphanage (there is no way to know if there was one consistent individual who cared for her, or if the staff rotated and moved on), then one she day rode a bus for 8 hours and was handed to me. If that wasn’t enough change, she was with Dave and I in China for 10 days then we came home to Kentucky.
I don’t think of any of this as tragic. Emmy is strong and the chaos of her first year has turned into consistency and permanence with Dave and I. I just want to remember that even though she couldn’t be a more typical toddler on the outside, on the inside she someone who has had to learn to adjust and accept at a very young age. I know that these experiences, which she obviously won’t remember, will be ultimately be an integral part of who she becomes. I think they will make her strong and I intend to remind her of that anytime she needs to hear it. As for Dave, I know that he intends to not spend too many nights away from his girl.
posted by Lisa & Dave | 1:58 PM
3 Comments:
Hey Lisa!
I understand what you mean. Kieren wants me to do everything for her. She doesn't like it when Daddy takes a turn at the night time bottle. She doesn't like it when Mommy isn't home at bed time. A change in routine is still upsetting. Hang in there!
Sam
OH, Lisa! That's exactly what I've been thinking but unable to communicate. I don't think Jenna has attachment issues, per se, but sometimes she really does need adjustment hugs!
Laurie
Love comes in all forms and fashions and obviously Emmy loves when Da Da puts her to bed. To trust that he will come back and do it again....now that's a different story. The good thing, this is a normal reaction even if she wasn't adopted. The kids love routines and hate when they aren't the same. Of course breaking the routine also lets them understand that's okay too! All is well.
Love ya, Teri and Ralph
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